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Weekend of Fire: Deathmatch Championship 2008
By Buddah | August 11, 2008 |
There was much buzz over the Deathmatch leading up to the actual event. A lot of which stemmed from the visage that was the new unveiled Deathmatch Championship trophy. It was an impressive thing of beauty, standing around 3 feet tall and topped off with a magnificent golden chicken. People wanted it, even if the road to victory was paved in molten lava. I was going to enter the contest because DK thought it would be good to have a person with stomach surgery sit at the table of virtue unafraid of the daunting feat set before the contestants. He wanted to make a statement to those that couldn’t step up to the challenge. Only one problem, I tasted the Deathmatch sauce Friday night and wanted no part of it after that.
So it is Friday, and people are milling around the Oscar Convention Center chatting things up the day before the big event. Talking with Hudd, his son Danny, and my friend Eric, in struts the Creator with vials and straws for us to try. When the devil grins and asks you if you want a poker shoved up your ass, what would your answer be? It should be no, right? Well, this isn’t far off from a Satan offering, with that evil smile the Creator hands out his painstick to all 4 of us.
Never inhale the straw like I did, just apply it on your tongue because the pain there is excruciatingly painful enough. After I sucked in the hellish concoction, my throat felt like I had swallowed burning gasoline. There was a chocolaty flavor that I briefly noticed before my face became aflame in the toxic liquid. Warmth surrounded my face in a very uncomfortable way. Within a minute my stomach was feeling the extract, and another minute I was contemplating how to end my meager existence. Another 2 minutes my belly was not happy and wanted immediate release. So what did I do? I ran!
I needed milk so I ran down the stairs, clutching my po’ tum-tum, over to Starbucks next door to see if they had any milk. Thank the Heavens they did. I let the milk do its job and after a few minutes my stomach was starting to recover. Contest? What contest? No way would I take the chance of letting an extract eat at my bariatric lapband. The Creator would not get my soul this weekend. You think those pieces of paper are waivers he has the contestants sign before competing in the Deathmatch? Don’t let the Lord of Darkness fool you.
All through the Weekend of Fire event, as in most events that the Defcon team appears at, there are screams, panting, sweating and gasping for air all around the neon-lit Defcon booth. Yes, there would be pain even if you didn’t sign up for the Deathmatch. Lots and lots of pain. Every now and then you could hear the familiar cackle from the Creator throughout the Oscar Event Center. He was enjoying himself way too much. One look over at his beloved Createss and the non-challant way she went about her business you wondered who the evil one really was. The laughing fiend or the straight-faced mad scientist who secretly craved for more screams? What darkness lay beneath her eyes?
Once the Saturday WoF show was in the books, everyone who was anyone eventually made their way to Buffalo Wings and Rings around the corner from the convention center. At the side of the restaurant in what appeared to be a beer garden of sorts, a long table was setup for the eager combatants. The weather wasn’t too hot, but it was warm outside and would get even hotter for these brave souls. 11 in total. Each gladiator was called to the Table of Virtue, one by one. It was at this time, I was told DK, the 2007 Deathmatch Champion was back in the hotel asleep. More on that later.
Hudd, last year’s 2nd place finisher wore DK’s Gator hat in tribute to the soon-to-be former champ. Would that be enough to make-up the 2 second loss from last year? There were more than twice the competition than last years 6. Besides the extract-loving confident Justin, and the Ohio State Buckeye Fan who nearly won last year, there was also the 2008 New Braska Jalapeno eating Champion, the short bus helmet-wearing Brant aka Blane aka the Baconator aka Princess aka shut up and get to the contest all ready.
The crowd was packed in around the Table of Virtue. In came Bwana Bret, the Wing Master General for the event to mix the wings with the Deathmatch sauce. Once the wind spread the Deathmatch odoriferous vapors throughout the area, you could see a different expression rise into our gladiators faces. Doubt crept in as the sinister black wings were counted one by one into the plates. Samples were given to the crowd and regret soon followed. Our beloved Sandi turned several colors of gray a minute after her bite into the dark bird appendage. Her husband Bill sitting at the table saw the look of his dear wife and he reached for his liquid courage almost immediately thereafter.
Waivers were signed, rules were explained, gloves were adorned and evacuation buckets were placed at the contestants’ side. Luckily none were to be used today. Then within moments of the freshly cooked chicken wings being ceremonially placed in the proper eating position, the Deathmatch was under way. Within 1 bite, a contestant (Justin’s friend) was out. A wing later, another plate was pushed away. 2 down within the first 10 seconds! The other 9 brave people went on eating at a pace that their tolerance would bear. I watched the faces and took pictures as these poor souls struggled with the existence of the Almighty. Prayers were said in between bites as they fought against the pain that was more than just an average endorphin rush.
The Creator and Createss watched closely to make sure the rules were upheld and the wings were properly eaten. I am not sure the exact finishing time, but suddenly 2 hands were raised, one Hudd, the other an unknown at the end across from the Baconator. Speaking of the Baconator, words could not describe the vacant look I saw in Blane’s eyes. Victory would not be his today, but who would it be? Steve Salmon(spelling might be wrong) won by 3 seconds over the forever bridesmaid Hudd. Three other soldiers including the sole female entry finished all 10 of the evil Deathmatch wings. A huge accomplishment in my book.
Justin gave in at the 7 wing mark. What will GeneralLee say to his VP of BAMFville now? Justin later apologized to me because I had him as my favorite choice and my bookie is very happy about it. Don’t worry Justin, Eric paid for the gas on the way home for me.
Steve Salmon, the 2008 Defcon Deathmatch Champion seems to be a nice guy who might come by TTF and gloat about his victory and trophy. Hudd, train…train…train buddy. No one likes a slacker. Bill and Blane, stick to beer and bacon. Justin, well, what can I say? You shamed me. In fact, all you Assclowns shamed TTF. No other blog came to the table in the numbers that the TTFers did, and you let the good Cap’n down. I know how upset he was following the contest. He was barely able to drink his 8 PBRs and eat his BBQ samwich. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I would be surprised to see the good Creator let you all back to the Table of Virtue next year with that showing.
As for DK, in his own words, “Someone slipped me a mickie before the match.” Video of the Bloggers champagne toast will be evaluated and submitted to the Jungle Jim Bwana Security team for further analysis. Anyone with information about this criminal activity will be asked to send it to Bret at desserttraylicker@junglejims.com.
As a spectator/roaming reporter to the Deathmatch I must say that if you didn’t see it, you will want to see the video as soon as it is made available. I had a ball watching it.
Related Posts
- 2009 Weekend Of Fire Deathmatch Pics
- Defcon Deathmatch Championship 2008 Video – Jungle Jim’s Weekend of Fire
- Jungle Jim’s “East vs West, Put Up or Shut Up” Defcon Deathmatch
- Weekend Of Fire Deathmatch Poster
- 2009 Weekend Of Fire Deathmatch – The Video!
Topics: Contests/Events, Friends, General, In The News | 65 Comments »
i couldnt agree more, last years wings where great and i was disapointed when i got my bottle of mk11 and it tasted like crap. then when they used it in the deathmatch that sucked to. im not trying to critizise defcon its just that my expectations for the taste was set high because of all there other products and i know zero is expensive to make but it is worth it in the final product, i wont be buying mk11 again but if he sold a sauce that was like last years deathmatch sauce i would buy it regularly. to answer your question it was both, it was extracts on wings. if it was just an extract eating contest and we went spoon for spoon till there was only one person left i would of stood a better chance (not saying i would win but i would of done better). i understand what your trying to say though.
was that the wings or all the drinkin before?
my cousin did say that after that one wing he ate that he couldnt keep his hand open it was like his muscles where tightening and forcing him to close it.
Ok, the video is finally up on Google:
CLICK HERE
As for the sauce tasting like crap, as everyone is saying, for me to use just ZERO, in the amount I would have to, I’d have to charge a $50.00 entry fee for each person, and hope 20 people signed up. For some reason, I don’t think that would happen, go figure. Sorry you hated it.
No problem here with an entry fee. You’re gettin’ the die-hard chileheads at this level anyway. The same people that you’re asking to pay $125 for a vial (I know, there’s more than one vial… ) of Zero. A vial that they’re not even gonna open.
John, you make one the all time best wing sauces in the world. You make THE BEST extract ever with the Zero. Nobody’s bashing you or your sauce. It’s just not what people expect when they taste your sauce and it tastes like cheap ass extract. Something you promote against with your Zero. Yea, the shit’s hot. There’s no disputing that. But yes, as you’ve preached in the past, regular extract (not Zero) tastes like crap. There’s just no way around that.
Thanks for the link to the video, I took the embed code and made a post out of it so everyone doesn’t have to come here looking for it.
for the wing match it was ok, i was just disapointed with the mk11 itself. not saying anything bad about the product because it was really cheap for how hot it was and compares in taste to other brands, i was just hopeing for something tasty like last years deathmatch sauce. i did find a way around it though last night i mixed condition 2 and some zero from a taster bottle i have. perfect. like dk said im not trying to bash you or anything its just that you make some seriosly delishious products i set the standerds high. mk11 is the only product of yours that would get less than a 10/10 if i reviewed it.
THIS IS MY FIRST POSTING ON THE WEBSITE ALSO. WANT TO THANK EVERYONE FOR A GREAT TIME AT THE CONTEST AND THE WEEKEND AS A WHOLE. MET SOME GREAT PEOPLE AND HOPE TO SEE EVERYONE AGAIN NEXT YEAR. AS FAR AS THE SAUCE GOES, IT WAS INDESCRIBABLE. I WAS THE PERSON WHO HAD THE CHICKEN COMING OUT MY NOSE. I WAS PUKING SO INTENSELY @10 PM THAT SAUCE AND WINGS WERE EXITING MY STOMACH AS FAST AS THEY COULD. CAN’T WAIT TO DO THIS AGAIN. NO COMPLAINTS THOUGH. NOBODY FORCED OUR HANDS IN THIS CONTEST, PART OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF COMPETING SHOULD BE THE PAIN AFTERWARDS. CONGRATS TO ALL WHO PARTICIPATED, YOU’RE ALL WINNERS IN MY BOOK.
Welcome to TTF Steve! Congrats again!
:clap: 
Welcome Aboard Steve! Man you killed those wings like a champ! Well, ummm, I guess now you are THE champ.
Part of the fun with these contests is reading the smack talk between contestants. Yer a great sport!
Welcome Steve, and crongrats again for your win!
Oh, the pics are up on the website from last nights 3rd annual wingding at Duff’s in Brooklyn. We rolled in about 6am this morning. One of the workers ended up on top of a hearse spitting fire at about 4am. God I love that place!
CLICK HERE
Hey this looks like a fun time at Duffs as well! How many PBR’s can you stack on yer head!
:woohoo:
CLICK HERE
Steve, welcome aboard. You are a true champion amongst the men. Good job and hope to see you at future events.
Your Bisummo video of the event will ship out tomorrow.
Very cool man. Thanks!
The brunette’s name is Laurie Ann, she’s a friggin’ riot! Software developer by day, insane wildgirl by night.